THE MARGOT LETTERS.' 109
" Almost for the first time in my life I feel as if I could not distinguish 1891-1894
dreams from realities. The thing has come which I have most longed Ag$ 39-41
for, waited for, prayed for, willed, as I never did with any other aim or
object in my life. And yet it seems at one moment so strange, and at
another so familiar and natural that my whole mental vision is out of
perspective, and I cannot describe because I cannot see. Is this what
you used to call being upset, in the days when you invented for my
benefit your TTiTnfl.lfl.yfm adjective c upsettable' ? You know me better
now.
Looking back on our talk yesterday I find, of course, that I left many
things unspoken. The one that I should most like to have said, if
I could have found words, you can guess. It was better to be business-
like, matter-of-fact, even frigid—as I think I was. For how could I ever
tell you what you have been to me—at once the hope and despair of my
life, so near and so far, revealing to me the unseen and unattained, now
opening and now seeming to shut the gate of paradise. This you have
been, and now you have given me the key, which you won't and can't
take back again. I swear you shall never repent it. Whatever happiness
the will, the tenderness, and the worship of a man can bring shall encircle
you. To that I pledge my soul and devote my life.
Will you promise me one thing—only one to-day !—to please me very
much. Don't strain or make any effort, but try and feel at rest. Things
will come gradually—perhaps even more easily than one fancies. You
may trust me not to force the pace.
But 0 my sweet, when shall I see you again ? Don't make it too long.
Would Sunday week (28th) at Cold Overton be indecently and unreason-
ably and dangerously soon ?
After I parted from you I went a walk through the wet streets and
tried, rather ineffectually, to put my thoughts in order and pull myself
together. I had to face a little dinner party which I was giving here,
and of which I forgot to tell you. My guests were the Alfred Lytteltons
and Sarah (who is staying with them), the Pauls, Aoland, and G. Curzon,
It went off very well, and they stayed late. Paul and G. C. were very
amusing. I was not in the mood to contribute much. . . .
This evening I am going to Redhill for the night to see the children.
Bertie and Arthur go back to school to-morrow; Raymond not till
Wednesday. They have had a pretty good holiday, and have taken to
photography with fairly successful results. I come back here to-morrow
morning and dine in the evening with Haldane, On Sat. I shall probably
go down again to Redhill for the Sunday, and on Mond, afternoon (as
I said) to Easton Grey. Write to Mount Street until after Monday.
Tell me everything you do and who you write to. I don't propose to
tell anyone but Charty1 at present."
• • «*•••«
" What am I to say to you on your birthday ? There is no good or
perfect gift I do not wish for you in the year which you are beginning,
and which proupses to be the most momentous in your life and mine.
My thoughts go back to this day last year when I remember well whal
1 Lady Bibblesdale.